TOP SECRET//SI//REL USA, FVEY National Security Agency/Central Security Service Information Paper 0x594f4c4f53455821 Alligator Europe Security Conference 2017 25 & 26 August @ Areszt śledczy - Kraków, Poland aka PiSland


-= [ AlligatorCon Europe 2017] =-
If you have received an invitation by official means, you are welcome to the 2017 edition of AlligatorCon Europe. If you've been here last year, you know the drill – friendly hackers, free booze, no-nonsense technical talks and partying all night in Kraków, the Best City in the World (tm). If you're new, congratulations on joining the mayhem and insanity of the Alligator! If you haven't been invited this year but you know us IRL, just ping us and we will add you to the list. If you've only heard of us online and want to join in, send us an email to cfp@alligatorcon.pl letting us know who you are and why you want to come. Your chances improve dramatically if you also present a talk!
[--- It's cheaper than a movie, and there's free beer
The Alligator is back, still rocking the Geocities style, because the 90's never ended!

Admit it. Now this song is stuck in your head.

This year we have again changed the dates a bit, but we will keep the same secret venue you all know and love. Entry is of course 100% free. We welcome donations of any kind (cash, Bitcoin, drugs, sex, guns, 0dayz, leaked documents, etc...). There will be a black hat on stage where you can deposit your donations, but please don't steal it and then give it to some random girl in a club like it happened in the 2015 edition. Goddamn it, it was a nice hat. As usual, it will be very important for you to join the mailing list, to keep up with our unpredictable mood swings once we hit full-on party mode, get lost in the streets of Stare Miasto, forget we were supposed to host a conference at all, and wake up three days later in the middle of a park with no money or clothes on us (it's been known to happen to a certain Spanish guest after a vodka-fueled night at Komisariat in our 2016 edition). If you haven't joined already, send us an email to: cfp@alligatorcon.pl
[--- Rules of the Alligator
  • You do not talk about Alligator.
  • You do not talk about Alligator.
  • If this is your first night at Alligator, you have to hack.
  • Two pairs of black pants. One pair of combat boots. Two pairs of black socks. One black jacket. $300 personal burial money.
  • You can present using your IRC nick, Twitter handle, MySpace name, Ashley Madison profile, Second Life alter ego, Cromy Club affiliate number, whatever the hell you want but never with your real name.
  • You must give us the garbage file from the Gibson to prove you're a real hacker. We'll make it easy for you like Crash Override made for Joey: It's root slash period workspace slash period garbage period.
  • If you're up on stage, you have to drink a shot of malinówka (raspberry vodka). Other drugs and even vitamin C are accepted as a substitute for alcohol.
  • No cameras unless explicitly allowed by everyone in the picture, and no videos of the talks. No joke here, muthafuckas.
  • The contents or even the title of some talks may not be public, on request of the speaker. Never discuss them after Alligator ends, or you'll be banned forever. And we mean it.

    Remember, kids: what happens in Kraków, stays in Kraków!
[--- Call For Participation
Send your proposal to: cfp@alligatorcon.pl The evaluation committee of AlligatorCon is interested in no-nonsense technical talks about hacking, pentesting, exploitation, pwnage, 0days, phreaking, rootkits, radio, satellites, spreading knowledge, evading censorship, old sch00l shit, new sch00l shit, destroying Evilcorp and taking over the world. Presentations with live demos are strongly preferred. Confidentiality is key, so don't hesitate to propose topics that "legit" conferences would never accept. And if you can't think of anything, just hack some shit and tell us how we can all do it too, for teh lulz. WARNING Presentations with company branded slides will turn the audience into a pitchfork mob trying to murder the speaker. Anyone claiming to have CEH, CISSP, CREST or similar certifications will also be dealt with swiftly, and with extreme prejudice. The smiling, entrepreneurial infosec professional keen to do some networking, get the synergy started and expand business horizons, simply has no place here. But if you're one of them... don't worry! There's always Black Hat Vegas, right?
[--- Talks
The slots format is the following: one hour slots for everyone, but how much you use is completely optional. We recommend 40 minutes talks, to give people time to drink a beer or mate, chat and relax before the next talk. For really short talks (5-10 minutes) it's probably best to use the lightning talks slot, it's free-for-all -- just like a rap battle, you go up on stage and grab the mic.
[--- Why Kraków?
Charming, small, cozy, great food, cheap strong alcohol and hands down the coolest party hub in Europe. Why not?
[--- Life insurance pays off triple if you die on a conference trip
The exact location of the event and directions to get there will be provided through the mailing list. If you're not already in it, send us an email to: cfp@alligatorcon.pl. Word of warning: some people reported following our directions and ending up in a weird masked rich people orgy along with Tom Cruise. If that happens to you, just try to enjoy it, and whatever you do don't let them find out you don't really know the password. The recommended place for your stay in Kraków is the 5 star hotel Areszt Śledczy Kraków-Podgórze. Just knock on the door, tell them all about your hacking feats, and you'll find nice people who will be more than happy to let you in - for free! With some luck you can even score a presidential suite if you are bald and dressed in sportswear. Alternatively, here are a few -possibly more comfortable- venues you can try out: If you're on a budget, Greg & Tom hostel at Ul. Florianska is quite decent, centrally-located and has a nice bar too. Additionally, this city has a really amazing CouchSurfing community that you should definitely reach out to. You're also welcome to bring a sleeping bag and crash on a friendly local hacker's home, a popular choice of Alligator attendees every year. Transport arrangements are prepared for the occasion in the form of a rusty van with the words FREE CANDY spray painted on the side and the picture of a funny bear you may have seen on 4chan before. Trust the nice man with the moustache, he'll take you where you want to go.

Seems legit.

There are also the 208, 292 and 902 buses from the Kraków airport to the city center as well as a train to the main station, or you can alternatively fly to Warsaw or Katowice and go from there to Kraków by train (it's sometimes cheaper). But there's no free candy in those. On the other hand, the man on the van says he has free candy.
[--- I am Jack's rooted box
Alligator has an old and rich tradition of "controversial" CTF topics, and this year won't be the exception. Alligator always had a zero tolerance policy for bullshit and prejudice, so we're setting the challenge for our attendees to pwn the Jesus-loving homophobic bigots of Młodzież Wszechpolska, leak their mailspools to Wikileaks and deface their website with the message "IT'S OK TO BE GAY" and a double rainbow.

We're also big fans of Spongebob Squarepants.

On a completely unrelated note, our lawyer suggested to add a paragraph to make sure everyone understands this text is satirical and everything here should be read as a joke. So here it is. Hacking is bad, kids. Also, winners don't do drugs. And you wouldn't download a car.
[--- We're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the infosec industry
You're not your lame whitehat job. You're not how much money you don't have in the bank because you spent it all on vodka. You're not the car with the CAN chip you modded. You're not the contents of your Bitcoin wallet. You're not your fucking black hoodie. Speaking of black hoodies and T-shirts, we can hook you up with that shit, and with some stickers to boot. The Hackerstrip folks made some fucking cool artwork for this, so if you want one (of course you do!) speak up now or regret it forever - there won't be any extras for sale after the conference.

You know you want one.

[--- Organizing Committee
  • Kurwa Malpka & Count Crapula on general debauchery and mischief
  • Xava Kosmosach on web design
  • Santaplix @ Hackerstrip on original artwork
  • Robert Paulson on logistics
  • Flower Guy from Kazimierz on poetry
  • Guccifer2 on IT infrastructure
  • Nicholas Lemonias on cyberdefense
  • Rodrigo Duterte on P.R.
  • Vladimir Putin on prostitutes (the best in the world!)
  • Kim Jong-un as D.J. for the after-con party
  • ...and always with us, Our Lord Satan whom we praise
[--- Sponsors
This event is proudly sponsored by: Soplica Vodka, Paper Street Soap Company, Departamento del Turismo de San Escobar, Hugo nominated author Chuck Tingle, the Russian Ministry of Cyberwar, the American Ministry of Truth, Donald Trump's latest Reality TV show: "President of the United States", Hillary Clinton's "Fuck Latin America in the Ass" (FLAA) Foundation, all the toasters of the Internet of Hackable Things, and as every year the Official Facebook Page of Mikolaj, the iconic old dude of Kazimierz.
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